Tuesday, February 8, 2011

30,000 feet in the air, an ipod blaring music in my ears, a glass of cheap airplane wine, tears streaming down my face and hands raised in worship. 

That is where I found myself last night. Lost in the middle of the sky. Just me and God hashing it out. Me crying out to Him. Him speaking directly to me through song. And everyone else on the plane had disappeared. 

We lost our daughter yesterday. 

After walking through the last 5 months of pregnancy with her, we found out that our birthmom has chosen not to place her baby. 

To say that we are devastated, is an understatement.


Rusty is in NYC this week for work and within 30 minutes of telling him the news, I had a flight booked, bag packed and was in the car and headed to the airport. We needed to be together, to comfort each other and to grieve.

I settled into my seat and tossed and turned to go to sleep. I just wanted to make the pain stop. Quickly I realized that sleep would not come. 

So, I turned on my ipod. Can I just share with you the music that I heard? I wish that you could hear it the way that I did. Reading the words does not do justice to the emotion that overwhelmed me. But each word was a message spoken directly to my heart.

I can't believe how good my God is. I should know it by now. Really I should, but He never ceases to amaze me.

Through the years, He has often used music to minister to me. But no other instance can top this one. NONE. 

"I believe always, always, our Savior  never fails. Even when all hope is gone,  God knows our pain and His promise remains. He will be with you always...
Friend, I don't know where you  and I don't know where you've been. Maybe you are fighting for your life or just about to throw the towel in. If you're crying out for mercy, if there's no hope left at all, if you've given everything you've got and your still about to fall, well hold on, hold on, hold on , because... I believe always, always, our Savior never fails. Even when all faith is gone, God knows our pain and His promise remains. Always.  Always. He will be with you."
"Always" Building 429

"Broken daughter.. you're not alone. If you are tired and scared of the madness around you, if you can't find the strength to carry on... When you call on Jesus,all things are possible, you can mount on wings of eagles and soar. When you call on Jesus, mountains are gonna fall, 'cuz He'll move Heaven and earth to come be with you when you call. Come in the morning, in the afternoon time, late in the evening, When your heart is broken and you feel discouraged, He'll be there. You can just remember. He'll be there!
"Call on Jesus" Nicole C. Mullen

"To think that providence would take a child from his mother while she prays, is appalling. Who told us that we'd be rescued? What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares? We're asking why this happen to us who've died to live, it's unfair. This is how it mean to be held, how it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive. This is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was everything, fell we'd be held."  
"Held" Natalie Grant

"I surrender all my silent hopes and dreams, though the cost to follow costs me everything. I surrender all my human soul desires, if sacrifice requires, that all my kingdoms fall, I surrender all...Just as Abraham laid Isaac on the sacrificial fire, if all I have is all that you desire... I surrender all."
"I Surrender All" Clay Crosse

"All I wanna do is give this life to you. All I wanna do is give this life to you. All I wanna do is give this life to you. Let your will be done, 'til it's all I wanna do...
"All I want to do" Ginny Owens

"In Christ alone, my hope is found. He is my light, my strength, my song. This cornerstone, this solid ground, firm through the fiercest drought and storm. What heights of love, what depths of peace, When fears are stilled, when strivings cease. My comforter, my all in all. Here in the love of Christ I stand."
"In Christ Alone" Natalie Grant

"If you need someone to hold you because your world’s fallin’ apart. If you need a light to guide you safely through the dark and chase away the nightmares of the heart, If you need someone to give you a purpose for your broken past. 
And restore the reservoir of hope inside of you and mercies for each morning that is new. I am. And I was. I am the one who is to come. Before and after.
I’m still gonna still be what I am and what I was. I’m gonna be all that you need and I’ll be all that you want. I’m telling you I am. I am. What you need, what you want, what you what you deeply desire. I am."
"I am" Nicole C. Mullen

I lifted my hands in worship to Him, right there in the exit row. It was the most beautiful moment of surrender. Even if the guy headed back from the Superbowl covered in green and gold thought I was crazy. 

Today, it is hard to see through the pain. But, we will get through this time. We will come through it stronger than before.

Someday, we will see God's hand in this and He will show His faithfulness.


  1. Jennifer,
    I know that we do not know eachother but for whatever reason I stumbled upon your blog months ago. I read it almost daily now. My heart was being pulled to read it today and now I know why. Please know that you are being prayed for. You are a Godly woman and an inspiration. Praying for God to cover you and Rusty in his peace now.

  2. Praying for you both!! Don't understand, but still trusting Him. Love you and love the way that you chose to praise Him in the midst of a thunderstorm! You are so brave and strong. Thank you for your example of strength, grace, and faithfulness to Him. Love you.

  3. Jenni - I only know that God's way is perfect! And when we give ourselves unconditionally to Him - our way crumbles and His way is still perfect. One day - maybe here, maybe eternity, one day you will understand! That doesn't take away the pain or the hurt that you are experiencing right now. Only God can wrap His arms around you and give you His peace. I pray for His peace for you and Rusty right now. He is faithful! This is our only hope....Jeremiah 29:11
    For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

  4. I know I only meet you a few months ago, but my heart is so sad for this reading this. I will definately be praying for you.

  5. I am just sick. I am so, so, sorry and all I know to do is pray. I love you, sweet friend. Praying that God covers you with a peace that passes understanding.

  6. Don't understand it. Can't understand it. God didn't mean for me too.. My heart breaks for you and prays for you and Rusty. You are my hero with your strength and faith and convictions even in your pain. I love you friend :-)

  7. I am so sorry. And I am so thankful and praise him for the way he ministered to you on the plane. I'm praying for you both.

  8. Oh sweet Jen, i am so very sorry. There are no words. I am praying for you......

  9. I am so sorry that you both have to bear this loss. The words come to mind "though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm." Choosing to rely on him is such a testimony of your faith. Praying that you will feel wrapped in his arms even when you feel you can't go on anymore.

  10. Someone, and I know who, lead me to read your blog today, and catch up with my wonderful friends, Rusty and Jenni. I am so devastated and sad to hear this. I am constantly praying for God to ease your pain and to open a new door for you guys. Love you and call you soon. kim

  11. I am so sorry! My first reaction was that I wanted to punch somebody. I pray for comfort for you too.

  12. I honestly don't have words, but my heart and prayers are with you! I am so grateful our wonderful God is so gently ministering to your spirits during this incredibly difficult time!

  13. Rusty & Jenni. We do not know how to put in words how much our heart aches for you. Despite what has happened, your post is uplifting in that it is clear that you both rely on Him and also on each other. We are so relieved to read that Jenni flew up to NYC so you could be together. With an attitude like your own, it's these unexpected turns in life that will only make your marriage and faith stronger. With love and a gigantic hug, The Suarii.

  14. Jennifer,
    There are no words. None. Please know the Lord woke me up this morning with you very heavy on my heart. He had me interceding on your behalf. The Lord loves you so much, and is raising up people to pray for you. I will keep praying for you, and I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

  15. Even though we do not know each other really at all, I find myself wishing I had words...ANY words to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I know your heart is breaking and I just want you to know that you and Rusty will be in my heart and prayers in the weeks and months to come.

  16. Jennifer, praying for you as you cling to Jesus!! This just plain stinks!!!!!! Love you! ~ olivia

  17. I don't understand this! You are heavy on my heart! I am praying for you. It doesn't seem enough to say how sad I am for you and Rusty Just know that I am thinking of you every minute and praying for you. I wish I could hug you tightly and stop the hurt.

  18. My name is Laura DeBellas and I have commented a few times. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I can't imagine your pain even having been through infertility and lost the battle myself. I am so praying for you.

  19. Jennifer my thoughts and prayers of strength, understanding and healing are sent to you. There are no words. But... there IS prayer.

  20. Oh Jenni, I don't know how I didn't see this the other day...I'm just now reading your news. To say that I'm sorry is an understatement. Just know that we are praying for you and Rusti - for peace, for comfort. Thankful to hear how the Lord is ministering to you. Love, Courtney

  21. I am so, so sad and disappointed. I can only imagine your emotions. Yet you continue to set your eyes on the Lord, seeking Him and His will in all things. I love you, friend! Am praying for you and Rusty, for comfort, direction, and peace.

  22. I am so, so sorry!! Will be praying for you!

  23. Oh Jen! I was so hoping to hear joyous news when I read your blog today :(
    I am in school and haven't been online in awhile. What a shock! I am so sad for you and Rusty and my thoughts and prayers are with you. May God wrap his arms around you and hold you up.
    Debbie DePaul

  24. Jenni,
    I was doing my weekly blog check, excited to see your newest update and...my heart crumbled for you. I found myself in tears as I read your beautiful and spiritual words. I admire your strength and I know He has a plan for you and Rusty.. and I pray the day will come soon when everything falls into place.

  25. As another woman who has lost a precious and very loved baby, my heart aches for you and the pain and grief I know you are experiencing right now. I am so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Rusty, may God lift your very heavy hearts today.

  26. Jenni, there are no words right now.....just want to let you know that you will be in my prayers.

  27. Jennifer, I am so sorry. I will be praying for you and Rusty. I can't imagine how you must feel. Life is definitely not fair. I admire your faith. I am watching to see what awesome plan God has for you. Hang in there. Love you girl!!