That is where I found myself last night. Lost in the middle of the sky. Just me and God hashing it out. Me crying out to Him. Him speaking directly to me through song. And everyone else on the plane had disappeared.
We lost our daughter yesterday.
After walking through the last 5 months of pregnancy with her, we found out that our birthmom has chosen not to place her baby.
To say that we are devastated, is an understatement.
Rusty is in NYC this week for work and within 30 minutes of telling him the news, I had a flight booked, bag packed and was in the car and headed to the airport. We needed to be together, to comfort each other and to grieve.
I settled into my seat and tossed and turned to go to sleep. I just wanted to make the pain stop. Quickly I realized that sleep would not come.
So, I turned on my ipod. Can I just share with you the music that I heard? I wish that you could hear it the way that I did. Reading the words does not do justice to the emotion that overwhelmed me. But each word was a message spoken directly to my heart.
I can't believe how good my God is. I should know it by now. Really I should, but He never ceases to amaze me.
Through the years, He has often used music to minister to me. But no other instance can top this one. NONE.
"I believe always, always, our Savior never fails. Even when all hope is gone, God knows our pain and His promise remains. He will be with you always...
Friend, I don't know where you and I don't know where you've been. Maybe you are fighting for your life or just about to throw the towel in. If you're crying out for mercy, if there's no hope left at all, if you've given everything you've got and your still about to fall, well hold on, hold on, hold on , because... I believe always, always, our Savior never fails. Even when all faith is gone, God knows our pain and His promise remains. Always. Always. He will be with you."
"Always" Building 429
"Broken daughter.. you're not alone. If you are tired and scared of the madness around you, if you can't find the strength to carry on... When you call on Jesus,all things are possible, you can mount on wings of eagles and soar. When you call on Jesus, mountains are gonna fall, 'cuz He'll move Heaven and earth to come be with you when you call. Come in the morning, in the afternoon time, late in the evening, When your heart is broken and you feel discouraged, He'll be there. You can just remember. He'll be there!
"Call on Jesus" Nicole C. Mullen
"To think that providence would take a child from his mother while she prays, is appalling. Who told us that we'd be rescued? What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares? We're asking why this happen to us who've died to live, it's unfair. This is how it mean to be held, how it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive. This is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was everything, fell we'd be held."
"Held" Natalie Grant
"I surrender all my silent hopes and dreams, though the cost to follow costs me everything. I surrender all my human soul desires, if sacrifice requires, that all my kingdoms fall, I surrender all...Just as Abraham laid Isaac on the sacrificial fire, if all I have is all that you desire... I surrender all."
"I Surrender All" Clay Crosse
"All I wanna do is give this life to you. All I wanna do is give this life to you. All I wanna do is give this life to you. Let your will be done, 'til it's all I wanna do...
"All I want to do" Ginny Owens
"In Christ alone, my hope is found. He is my light, my strength, my song. This cornerstone, this solid ground, firm through the fiercest drought and storm. What heights of love, what depths of peace, When fears are stilled, when strivings cease. My comforter, my all in all. Here in the love of Christ I stand."
"In Christ Alone" Natalie Grant
"If you need someone to hold you because your world’s fallin’ apart. If you need a light to guide you safely through the dark and chase away the nightmares of the heart, If you need someone to give you a purpose for your broken past.
And restore the reservoir of hope inside of you and mercies for each morning that is new. I am. And I was. I am the one who is to come. Before and after.
I’m still gonna still be what I am and what I was. I’m gonna be all that you need and I’ll be all that you want. I’m telling you I am. I am. What you need, what you want, what you what you deeply desire. I am."
"I am" Nicole C. Mullen
I lifted my hands in worship to Him, right there in the exit row. It was the most beautiful moment of surrender. Even if the guy headed back from the Superbowl covered in green and gold thought I was crazy.
Today, it is hard to see through the pain. But, we will get through this time. We will come through it stronger than before.
Someday, we will see God's hand in this and He will show His faithfulness.