Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Here we are again

Last week, in the midst of our grief, we got a phone call that restored our hope.

Let me back up a little...
I have never shared the story with how we ended up at New Life to adopt, but I will tell you that it was not in the traditional sense. In fact, I do not know that I would have ever walked in the doors and said "Sign me up." But, God led us to a mother that was considering placing for adoption. It was very important to us that she have the resources and support that she needs, so we took her to New Life to minister to her. Then, they were going to facilitate the adoption.

Early in the process, Cindy prayed a prayer over us that I never could get out of my mind. She thanked God for bringing us there through this mom. And even if that is not the child He had for us, for maybe getting us to a place that we needed to be for the child that he did intend for us.

As soon as we lost our baby girl, that is immediately what came to my mind. Maybe this was never the child that God had for us, but simply the path that He needed us to walk in order for us to get to the child that He has had for us all along.

That's where the phone call comes in. In the midst feeling sorry for myself, grieving and stomping my feet in protest, Cindy called to tell me that another birthmom had picked us. She was due any day with a baby girl.

And in an instant, just like that, our hope was restored.

Maybe God does still have things under control after all.

The rational Rusty did not want to share the news with anyone until our baby was in our arms. I, on the other hand, just can't keep good news to myself. So, I began to share with some of our friends and family. I, like Rusty, wanted to protect us and our family from hurt, but I was bursting with joy and couldn't contain the news that God was going to work it out so quickly.

Well, we got the news today that we lost that baby too. She was born yesterday and the mom has decided to parent.

I don't really know now why I feel the need to blog that. Other than to ask you again for your prayers. We are disappointed and we are tired.

All we can do is continue to wait on God and beg Him for the patience to do so.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

His best

Thank you all so much for your prayers and your support over the past week. I was totally overwhelmed by your outpouring of love and encouragement through phone calls, texts, cards, emails and facebook messages.

In the midst of a very lonely place, God went to some pretty extreme measures to show me that He has not abandoned me.

I wish I could list the 100 ways that He has spoken to my heart, but there is no way that I could fit them all on a page. It has been remarkable.

First and foremost was the fact that our annual Sunday School marriage retreat fell on this weekend. I know that the timing was in no way a coincidence.

Rusty had to work late on Friday night, which gave me the perfect excuse not to go. To be honest, I really wasn't feeling up to it. But, I had already arranged to ride with some friends, so I went.

I got there only to find out that the passage of the weekend was John 11. The topic was walking through trials and grief, trusting God's timing. Every worship song and word spoken was a message straight to me.

I can't adequately describe the love and support that was lavished upon us by our friends there. From notes written during worship to literal lines of people that formed to pray over us. Our speaker, not knowing my story at all, was led to pray for me by name all weekend.

We went in broken, lost, hurt, angry and empty. All weekend long, we were poured into and came out having been filled with a new peace.

We want God's perfect timing. I want the child that God has chosen for us. I am sad that it was not the one that I thought, but so thankful for all that He has taught me through losing her.

He is bigger than all of this. He is good. He has a perfect plan. He is in control.

Now, I wait for His best and am excited to see what He has up His sleeve.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Happy Birthday, Holland!

"12 years ago today, I learned what it means to love."

I have had that phrase typed as my Facebook status for the last 20 minutes. I just sat and stared at it, unable to hit share.

What is the point of putting that as my status? I don't want to share it just so that people will comment and feel sorry for me or try to figure out what I mean by that.

And yet, I feel the need to share it. I need to tell someone. I don't know why, but I do. I need him to be recognized today.

So, I turned to my trusty blog instead. It feels safer here. A place where I can share with my friends that today is Holland's 12th birthday.

I can hardly believe it even as I type those words. Has it really been 12 years since I held that precious life in my arms? I wish I could say that the time has flown, but it has not. In fact, waiting for him to become an adult (and the possibility of getting to have a relationship with him) feels like an eternity at times. But, I am 12 years closer than I was that day. I never thought that I would make it this far.

People don't know how to handle me on this day. Most people just ignore the fact that it is Holland's birthday. And that just makes me more sad. Recognizing and celebrating him comforts me.

So I will.

Happy Bithday, Holland!  Thank you for teaching me what it means to love.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

30,000 feet in the air, an ipod blaring music in my ears, a glass of cheap airplane wine, tears streaming down my face and hands raised in worship. 

That is where I found myself last night. Lost in the middle of the sky. Just me and God hashing it out. Me crying out to Him. Him speaking directly to me through song. And everyone else on the plane had disappeared. 

We lost our daughter yesterday. 

After walking through the last 5 months of pregnancy with her, we found out that our birthmom has chosen not to place her baby. 

To say that we are devastated, is an understatement.


Rusty is in NYC this week for work and within 30 minutes of telling him the news, I had a flight booked, bag packed and was in the car and headed to the airport. We needed to be together, to comfort each other and to grieve.

I settled into my seat and tossed and turned to go to sleep. I just wanted to make the pain stop. Quickly I realized that sleep would not come. 

So, I turned on my ipod. Can I just share with you the music that I heard? I wish that you could hear it the way that I did. Reading the words does not do justice to the emotion that overwhelmed me. But each word was a message spoken directly to my heart.

I can't believe how good my God is. I should know it by now. Really I should, but He never ceases to amaze me.

Through the years, He has often used music to minister to me. But no other instance can top this one. NONE. 

"I believe always, always, our Savior  never fails. Even when all hope is gone,  God knows our pain and His promise remains. He will be with you always...
Friend, I don't know where you  and I don't know where you've been. Maybe you are fighting for your life or just about to throw the towel in. If you're crying out for mercy, if there's no hope left at all, if you've given everything you've got and your still about to fall, well hold on, hold on, hold on , because... I believe always, always, our Savior never fails. Even when all faith is gone, God knows our pain and His promise remains. Always.  Always. He will be with you."
"Always" Building 429

"Broken daughter.. you're not alone. If you are tired and scared of the madness around you, if you can't find the strength to carry on... When you call on Jesus,all things are possible, you can mount on wings of eagles and soar. When you call on Jesus, mountains are gonna fall, 'cuz He'll move Heaven and earth to come be with you when you call. Come in the morning, in the afternoon time, late in the evening, When your heart is broken and you feel discouraged, He'll be there. You can just remember. He'll be there!
"Call on Jesus" Nicole C. Mullen

"To think that providence would take a child from his mother while she prays, is appalling. Who told us that we'd be rescued? What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares? We're asking why this happen to us who've died to live, it's unfair. This is how it mean to be held, how it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive. This is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was everything, fell we'd be held."  
"Held" Natalie Grant

"I surrender all my silent hopes and dreams, though the cost to follow costs me everything. I surrender all my human soul desires, if sacrifice requires, that all my kingdoms fall, I surrender all...Just as Abraham laid Isaac on the sacrificial fire, if all I have is all that you desire... I surrender all."
"I Surrender All" Clay Crosse

"All I wanna do is give this life to you. All I wanna do is give this life to you. All I wanna do is give this life to you. Let your will be done, 'til it's all I wanna do...
"All I want to do" Ginny Owens

"In Christ alone, my hope is found. He is my light, my strength, my song. This cornerstone, this solid ground, firm through the fiercest drought and storm. What heights of love, what depths of peace, When fears are stilled, when strivings cease. My comforter, my all in all. Here in the love of Christ I stand."
"In Christ Alone" Natalie Grant

"If you need someone to hold you because your world’s fallin’ apart. If you need a light to guide you safely through the dark and chase away the nightmares of the heart, If you need someone to give you a purpose for your broken past. 
And restore the reservoir of hope inside of you and mercies for each morning that is new. I am. And I was. I am the one who is to come. Before and after.
I’m still gonna still be what I am and what I was. I’m gonna be all that you need and I’ll be all that you want. I’m telling you I am. I am. What you need, what you want, what you what you deeply desire. I am."
"I am" Nicole C. Mullen

I lifted my hands in worship to Him, right there in the exit row. It was the most beautiful moment of surrender. Even if the guy headed back from the Superbowl covered in green and gold thought I was crazy. 

Today, it is hard to see through the pain. But, we will get through this time. We will come through it stronger than before.

Someday, we will see God's hand in this and He will show His faithfulness.