!6 months old

Thank you all so much for your comments, emails and FB messages about my last post. It is certainly encouraging to know that I am not alone in those thoughts and feelings! And to be honest, I don't feel that way as often as I used to. Things are easier now that he is walking and we can get out and do fun stuff. But, I will always have that mom guilt that I could be doing everything better. I just try to remind myself every day to give myself some grace in that and keep pressing forward. I know that all mommas feel that way and that no matter how old he is, I will probably always feel that way!

So, now that I am back to blogging, I have lots of catching up to do. But that will have to happen another day. For now, here is where we are and what we are up to!

Ben is 16 months old this week! 

His personality has really come out and he is so much fun! He is silly, sweet, loving, and sensitive. But he is ALL BOY. He is obsessed with sports. Obsessed. Especially anything with a ball. In fact, he still won't say "Mama", but I hear "Ball" about 7000 times a day. Anything that is slightly round is a ball. And anything that is remotely long is a golf club. This is what we do ALL. DAY. LONG. 

He doesn't really care about any tv shows, but will sit magnetized to the tv for hours if golf is on! It is so crazy! 

He is also a big fan of his baseball T and loves his basketball goal. And he is actually really good at all of them. I think that we have a natural athlete on our hands!

And a whole pit full of balls that he can throw? HEAVEN. 

He is such a good kid and I am so blessed to be his mom. Every day, I thank God for the chance that He has given me to be a part of Ben's life and to be his mom. I could not be more in love. 

Mom envy

It will come as no surprise when I tell you that I have kind-of given up on the whole blogging thing.

You didn't even get pics of Ben's first Christmas or birthday! (Of course, the only people that are left reading this blog are probably people that have seen the pics on FB anyway.)

I don't remember the last time that I checked my google reader and read everyone's blogs. I bet I have 5000 new posts waiting to be read and commented on. Needless to say, I will never get caught up. I just had to step away from reading others blogs every day. To be honest.... it just wasn't good for me.

Often times, reading other blogs just gives me "mom envy." It just makes me feel even more inadequate and like I am failing at this whole mom thing. So many others have it "all together" with like 15 kids and yet still have time to be the perfect wife, friend, blogger and mom. Their crafts get done, they go on dates, on girls trips, blog daily, volunteer and serve. They have it all together.

And comparing myself to those supermoms just accentuates the fact that I don't have it all together.

Can I just be real with you? I really thought that I would be better at this mom thing. I thought it would flow naturally, that I would never tire, I would have it all together and be the best mom that ever lived. And I hate the fact that somedays a productive day for me includes two errands, some laundry and dinner on the table.

I have tried to give myself permission to not have thank you notes written the same day, to accept that my child is not going to have the cutest room on the internet and that my crafts will never be featured on pinterest.

I still want to be the Best. Mom. Ever.

I thought that I would love every single minute of being a stay at home mom. I thought that my son would be stimulated and nurtured every single second of every single day. He would never watch a minute of tv. That he would be talking, walking, and writing his name and driving a car by 6 months old because of my incredible mothering skills.

The truth? Sometimes I just want him to sit and watch a movie for 30 minutes so that I don't have to play peek-a-boo one more time. Sometimes, I want him to play alone so that I can go to the bathroom by myself. I want to take a shower just once when I want to, not when Ben is napping. I want to sleep all night long.

I thought that I would be supernaturally patient with him and soak up every memory. The truth? Most days, I just pray that I can make it to naptime.

And then I feel guilty, like I shouldn't admit that it isn't easy.

I wanted this, I prayed for this. You prayed for this. So, how could I ever NOT love every single second?

He is such a sweet kid. He's funny and loving. And I do not take for granted how BLESSED I am to have this child. SO, SO BLESSED. I love him more than I ever thought possible and I thank God daily for the chance to be his mom. Even just reading over the past paragraphs makes me cringe that I feel this way at times.

But, it's the truth. And I am saying it because I cannot believe that I am the only one that feels this way. And maybe someone needs to hear today that they are not alone. Because I know that I would like to, every once in a while.

So, that is the reason for my blog break. I actually wrote this post months ago and just never had the nerve to post it. I have the nerve now because I have recently been reminded, by several people in my life, the power that can come through encouragement and honesty. God has put us all here together with very different gifts, very different journeys, different struggles and different victories. But, we are all here for one purpose and I hope that on my journey, I will have some friends that can walk along side of me. And maybe we can encourage each other along the way.

So be warned... I'M BACK!!!!

One year in a flash

I realize that I have a lot to catch up on and have not posted in a long time (which I will explain in another post), but I wanted to share this video with you... 

I made a video for Ben's birthday party and never could figure out how to export it. So, I finally just redid it in another program. Then, I tried to post it to Facebook, but it will not let me because of copyright issues with the music playing in the background. 

It's not the exact same as the original, but I wanted to have a version to share with those that did not get to see it. Sorry that it is so long, but it's hard to choose from over 15,000 pictures! 

Hope you enjoy! 

What a difference a year makes...

One year ago today, I was writing this post letting you know that we had lost the little girl that we were preparing for, Sarah.
Ugh. Just reading it again brings me to tears. I can still feel the pain of the punch in the gut when I received that phone call.

But, at the end of the post I wrote:
"Today, it is hard to see through the pain. But, we will get through this time. We will come through it stronger than before.

Someday, we will see God's hand in this and He will show His faithfulness."

Oh, thank you Lord for bringing us through that pain stronger and more prepared to follow you. Thank you that we soon got to see your hand at work! In the depths of my pain, when I felt like you were not even there- you were moving and stirring the heart of Ben's birthmom to make an adoption plan for her child. 

And just 5 short weeks later, I was holding my son in my arms. 

That night, I was on a plane to NY with a broken heart. 

One year later, I am eating Cheerios with this sweet boy and my heart is overflowing with gratitude. 

What a difference a year makes. 

10 months old