Meet Willy

This is Willy. He is my cute, new little Woolly lamb.

(Get it? Woolly, Woolley.... ha!)

Anyway, Willy was important enough to make the blog title because he is my little symbol of hope right now. Something that I can cling to when my arms are feeling empty.

You see, I have just been DYING to start nursery planning. Rusty and I have decided that because of the nature of adoption, we want to plan a gender neutral nursery. So, if the baby that we are expecting is a girl/boy and that adoption plan falls through, we will not be stuck with a gender specific nursery and then end up with the other gender!

For years, I have researched nursery decor ad nauseam. I have planned:

• girl nurseries for one, two or three girls
• boy nurseries for one, two or three boys
• boy AND girl nurseries, in case we got a little of both

I have never in my life planned a gender neutral nursery though. It never entered my mind that we would not know the gender of our baby before it's arrival! So, it's actually kind of neat that I get to start fresh with a nursery intended just for this special little one that God is going to bring us. 

It may sound stupid, but I wanted the first thing that we bought for baby to be something special. I didn't just want it to be an outfit or toy that would get discarded. And, I wanted it to be something that Rusty and I picked out together. 

So, last weekend, we were at the mall and I begged him to go to PBK with me to look at furniture. 

You have to understand, Rusty and I have different approaches to this whole nursery planning thing:

He is a bit more cautious. He wants to protect my heart and not see me get disappointed. He wants us to be a little farther in the process before we start buying things. 

I, on the other hand, NEED to plan this nursery. I need it to make me feel like this is real. 

I do not have a baby kicking in my stomach, reminding me that he/she is on their way. I don't have swollen ankles, ice cream cravings, or doctor's appointments to keep me occupied and in reality. 

Planning is the way that I get to experience the pregnancy. I want to be excited, hopeful, and expectant. I want to not only plan and dream about the child that is coming to us, but to prepare. That is how I get to be reminded me of our sweet baby that is coming!

When Rusty doesn't want to buy things, it makes me feel like he doesn't believe that we will ever be parents. Then, I lose hope that I will ever be a mom. 

So, after a small melt down in PBK after he disagreed that we should buy the crib that night, we agreed to buy Willy instead. 

And I am so glad we did. I felt like, by buying something, Rusty too is believing that we soon will be parents. It makes it real to see Willy sitting there, reminding me that he is a gift for the baby that is coming. But, in the mean time, I can cling to him and allow him to fill my aching arms. 

By the way, the best part of the night was when I went to the cash register. She asked if I needed a gift receipt. After many, many years of only buying gifts for other people's babies in that store, I finally got to say through tears,
"Nope. This one is for MY baby."